Q&A with Ken Clean-Air System

Q: How much sleep have you had in the last 72 hours?
A: Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Q: How late did the party down the hall last on Monday night/Tuesday morning?
A: Not sure. I finally left for the library at 4:00 AM to get away from the noise and cigarette smoke, and by the time I got back around 7 AM it had finally started to fade.

Q: Was the library actually open at 4:00 AM?
A: Oh yes. Now ask me if anything -- like, say, the internet -- was operational.

Q: Why? Was the school network down, even when most reasonable people are asleep instead of online playing Doom?
A: Ha ha ha ha ha. Surely you jest. Apparently you haven't read any of my previous posts. No,this is a university. Do you seriously expect that I should be able to do research? Study? Write papers? How utterly, charmingly naive. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Q: Who or what was that squealing like a stuck pig at 3:15 AM last night?
A: I can only guess. But I would have been happy to help put her/it out of her/its misery -- and mine. Apparently the furore was to do with something about the thin layer of snow that had fallen... and promptly melted completely away.

Q: Why can't you positively identity of the guilty noisemakers? They should be reported for breaching the lease terms.
A: Because we do not have spyholes in our doors, which has several implications. One is that people are vulnerable to attack, since the doors also lack security chains. Two is that we can't simply peep out of the nonexistent spyholes to determine the trouble-makers and file appropriate reports. Three, if we do want to file a report we need to get up, get dressed, go out into the hallway, and expose ourselves to violence and/or ridicule by confronting the drunken kidiots.

Q: Why doesn't hall management simply install spyholes? Surely it would be far less expensive than, say, a massive lawsuit, and would encourage greater lease compliance.
A: Because they are bollocking fucktards.

Q: Why is it so infernally hot in the residence?
A: Because halls management (see reply above) believes the best way to combat the current cold snap is to foment further climate change: Crank up the heat to intolerable levels and people will be forced to open their windows to prevent suffocation. All the heat being let out, in addition to the extra heat and pollution being generated by the excess power required to do so, will surely help warm the planet and melt the dreaded snow, which is nearly 1 millimetre thick in places.

Q: Surely you should count your blessings, no?
A: Of course. I am grateful, for example, that I have only 66 more days to spend in this shithole and then I can go home again. I am grateful for the chance to experience a constant LSD high without actually having to take illicit drugs, thanks to severe sleep deprivation. And finally I am grateful to be living among so many future prize-winning scholars, especially since the Darwin Awards are handed out posthumously.

Q: Would another cup of coffee help?
A: That, and a shotgun.